Why Do I Hurt When I Left An Abusive Relationship?

Dear Coach Laura,

I was emotionally and physically abused in my last relationship of 8 years. I know I made the right choice to leave. Yet, I have some many questions… why did he even bother to come back all those times when he knew he didn’t want us? Why is he happy and I am not? Why do I feel I got the short end of the stick and never did anything to deserve it? If you can shed some light on this matter that would be great.

Signed, Hurting

Dear Hurting One,
Thank you so much for reaching out. It takes courage to share yourself with another and I want to acknowledge the tremendous strength you have.

First of all, I recommend bringing the focus completely to you and your healing. It no longer makes sense to focus on him – whether he’s happy or not. Whether he is happy or sad will not help you in your healing and recovery from this long and painful journey. He cannot help you and never has been capable of that. That being said, can you see how much strength you have? You have put up with so much in order love another. You are a power-full woman. You have an opportunity to live life much more fully and create your own happiness now that you are free from a destructive relationship.

By the way, your perception of getting the short end of the stick is just that, a perception. After all, he’s the one who no longer has you as an option. You are obviously intuitive, smart, and very caring. You have so much going for you and so much to be thankful for which you are gifted with.  Sure you’re in pain now. It’s called grieving. You are grieving a relationship that you relied upon as a familiar place to hang out. That’s ok. Explore your feelings here. Take responsibility by accepting the past and focusing on what you want going forward.

I also will warn you not to place him in the villain role because that then makes you a victim. Victims are powerless and can only stay hurt and stuck. Healing is the direction you can choose to go instead. So a change in perspective is warranted. He was in your life to teach you many lessons and make you stronger for it. If you can be so brave and self-compassionate, then explore what his presence in your life has gifted you with. I’m sure he did things that were wrong and very hurtful and as a result you’ve made a choice to leave. So don’t let him have any more power over you. Also, blaming yourself for not letting go sooner does not serve a positive purpose. Again, it puts you in a victim role to your fear. Rather, trust that the timing is fine and for the best. You may not have been ready prior to the time it happened.Trust

Be kind to yourself. Know that you deserve love that is honoring and harmonious. If you remain in a state of sadness and feeling like “why me,” then reach out for some therapeutic help. Lord knows I’ve done my share and with a good counselor I’ve made incredible breakthroughs.

Also, surrounding yourself with people who celebrate you, lift you up and admire your strengths is a great way to build your esteem at this time. Be careful not to play the victim around others. Give up complaining. You can share your feelings but do not blame anyone (not even yourself). Be with your feelings purely. Blaming is merely way of avoiding the truth. You are strong. You are a phenomenal woman. Imagine our community encircling you with love and adoration. We see you as a vital happy woman.

In Joy,
Coach Laura

PS: For some self-coaching, the Feminine Power Cards give tremendous support. Visit http://www.FemininePowerCards.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.