2 Replies to “Dealing with a Disrespectful Adult Daughter”

  1. Coach Laura

    This area can be quite frustrating especially when there is a history of a family dynamic that goes beyond this one event. Without details, I will give you some general guidelines to for keeping your sanity and reclaiming your power. The first thing to remember is that you do not need to help solve her problem. Loving her may mean honoring her innate wisdom to heal herself: Even if it looks like a total disaster.

    There was a great song I heard on the radio earlier this week. It was all about mistake making. In this culture we try to do everything to avoid making mistakes. The singer was pointing out that mistake making is imperative to her creative vibrant life and she is rejecting perfectionism and going to go for all the mistakes she can make. (I’ve written the station and I’ll let you know if they can identify the song)

    About how your daughter treats you…She may be “taking it out on you.” If this is the case, you need to disallow this treatment. You have an opportunity to model for her, what self-love looks like. This means if an interaction gets verbally (and/or non-verbally) hurtful to you, you take care of yourself.

    This may mean letting her know what you’re feeling (without placing blame, shame, guilt, anger or criticism), state what you need for yourself and/or make a specific request. This might sound like, “I feel hurt and sad. I love you and I want a loving relationship with you and it’s really hard to see you going through such a tough time. This interaction is not good for me. I am not willing to participate in this anymore.” If there is something specific you can request from her, then you could. For example, “The music is louder than my voice. I’m exhausted and I need quiet time. Would you be willing to listen to your music on headphones tonight?”

    If communication is difficult at this point, make sure the only talking you do comes from love. This means you must cultivate EXTRA love for yourself. Treat yourself gently. Do something soothing for yourself. Take extra good care of yourself. Eat right and move your body. Take some time away from her.

    Most likely, a great model of self-love and self-care will ultimately help her the most. Be that. Show her you have neither the capacity to demonstrate victim-like behavior nor any tolerance of it by others.

    Wishing you every joy.
    Coach Laura

  2. coachdona

    I think you hit on something profound for moms the world over. We don’t want to see our kids suffer AT ALL so we try to fix everything. At what point is that a detriment to them? And if we let them have the consequences for their actions we need to NOT feel guilty about that! You are so right!!!!! AND, mom’s really don’t EVER put themselves first – definitely not a lot of self-love coming before child-love. Again, I totally agree with you on modeling self-love to them. You’ve made some amazingly good points here!!!

    Thank you Laura.

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